Basically what I’m trying to say is we all have shit in our lives, we don’t need energy vampires, and that the loveway, is the only way. Live life with love and compassion for everything and everyone, but don’t let people take advantage of that beautiful love that you are capable of.
The Loveway is the only way
That was kind of a negative nancy post huh? Sorry guys.
I’ve recently come out of a really bad relationship, one that I never ever anticipated happening, and one that I really don’t want to go back to. But it’s hard to turn away from something that for 9 months has consumed me. From the offsett I knew things weren’t exactly going to be easy, or going to go to plan, because really none of the basis for our relationship had any structure.
It was New Years Eve, and I’d finished the year of one of the biggest lows. I’d dropped pretty much into a state of something that I despised. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore without seeing the memories reflecting back at me. It’s safe to say that 2011 was the year I pretty much abandoned the person I used to be, dropped all of my morals, and in doing so, became a monster. That once wholesome girl, whose dreams had overpowered her, and thrown her out of bed in the morning, she was a ghost, constantly haunting me, and I think that’s one of the reasons New Years Eve went the way that it did.
I was sick of thinking, completely, and so I was getting wasted pretty much every single day. It wasn’t healthy, and I knew it, but I didn’t see much point in doing anything else. I can’t even imagine how stupid I looked, throwing remarks at my bestfriends, and curling up and crying when I hit the point where I’d drank too much. I want my friends to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I became that person, and don’t worry, she isn’t coming back. There are things more important, things to actually live for.
So yeah, I was sick of thinking, I had a slight drinking “issue” (I can’t call it a real issue, but I will say that reflecting on it has made me realise that something wasn’t right about the whole thing, and I was in a very dangerous place. I didn’t need the drink, I wanted it, I wanted everything else to stop, and the drink gave me that.) From there comes the New Years Eve party, thrown at one of my old best friends houses. In the months up to that event, we did a lot together, we grew really quite close and she confided in me with more than what a “friend” would. I loved her, I still do, she has always been amazing in my eyes, yet on NYE, I completely disregarded that.
So, there I was, at the party, with a bunch of people that I barely knew, desperate to escape the heavy veil of awkwardness, with a small bottle of whisky in my hands, and the full intent to drink as much of it as I possibly could. Finally, it started. The party went in full swing, and for a while, it was fantastic. I found myself talking to people, actually socializing, and feeling comfortable in doing so. I genuinely felt happy, I felt like I was making friends, finding new people. Then, I drank too much, I think a lot of us did, and I know my actions weren’t the worst that night, but they had probably the longest lasting consequences. I fell into a situation with my old best friends stepbrother. I’d known him for a while, always found that he was a really nice guy, I was always on edge with him, he was a year older and I knew guys of that age that were complete dicks, but he didn’t do anything to intimidate or belittle me, and so I had a great deal of respect for him. Anyway, that night, we talked for a bit, then later found ourselves in an ongoing situation for the rest of the night. We made out. I was terrified how he would feel in the morning. How much he would regret it all, I couldn’t bare to think about it. I didn’t feel used, more that I had somehow used him. This was the first time I’d felt guilty about being with him, and it wasn’t the last. I think my spirit screamed at me to run, but I didn’t.
Being the foolish prick I was back then, I decided the very next day to text him, and talk to him about it, resulting in the starting of our relationship. I was happy. I’d finally found someone to hold me, to keep me safe from the monster side of me that was threatening to tear me apart. However, the feeling faded. The more I actually got to know him, the more differences I saw between us and in that, the more I realized I’d made a mistake. But I didn’t act quick enough. I didn’t act quick enough, and I fell into this world, this imprisonment of darkness that surrounded us both individually, and that was overpowering when we came together.
For the next 8 months, we lived in hell. First, came his downfall. From what seemed to be a perfectly functioning family came a revelation of deep upset. His father was horrible to him, abusive in a way, he was a truly disgusting man in the way that he clearly didn’t give two shits about anything that anyone but himself did. I felt sorry for D (my ex), and I also felt a strong sense of empathy for him. My home wasn’t whole until it was broken. I knew what it felt like - or at least I thought it did.
It turns out that the ghosts of D’s past, haunted him so deeply, that he couldn’t escape them. He became clinically depressed. He doubted everything and everyone around him, no one more than me. It hurt, because he had no reason at all to doubt me. The lies being fed to him by his Father, and the things he imagined in his own mind, they were all false.
He accused me of cheating, of not loving him, of not caring about him, of finding someone else, of never actually really liking him and many more things. I would forgive though, because I thought all of these things, they were just a by product of what was happening in his mind, and his apologies sounded so sincere. I really liked him, I didn’t want to loose him. He had became what I thought was my best friend. And so time and time again, I would forgive him. It took me a while to figure out the actual reason for me forgiving him endlessly. It was the guilt that he put on me if I didn’t. It was the suicide threats, the accusations, and the constant of him being completely innocent. He was playing mindgames with me, visciously.
Then, the insults started. Everything mounted. Everything got worse.
I’ve lost the point of where I was going with this story, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is this: Don’t stay in a relationship with somebody who makes you feel like shit. No matter how much you think, or know you love that person you are killing yourself by staying with them. They will consume you, and destroy you, control you and manipulate you until you cannot stand the look of yourself in the mirror. I was already dealing with all of my own problems, and then I was loaded with his, and it was just too much to handle.
I think you have to be happy with yourself, and find love within yourself before you can love anyone else, or be happily with someone else.
My first mistake was forgetting that. It’s really important.
Secondly, you have to surround yourself with positive people, people who are moving forwards, not backwards. People who are heading to the stars, and who know that you’re coming along with them. People who will inspire you, and encourage you to be the best you can be.
You can do anything, be anything, it’s your choice. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. You have the upmost potential to be the very best in whatever you should choose to do.
So get out there, and get it.
MusicLoveDreamPeace.
Well holy shit you guys. Since posting my Sugar We’re Going Down video up here on tumblr the views have reached 700+. That’s pretty cool. I feel like I need to somehow act on this coolness, and release a single off the EP I’m going to be putting up onto Itunes. So, I’ll go get some editing, recording and video making done, and then I’ll blog a bit about it.
I’m overwhelmed with the amount of views that this one video has. It’s mind-blowing. If I can reach 450, by next week, I’ll be posting up a bunch of my own songs and a couple new covers, along with a few videos explaining everything. If any of you like listening to cutesy, acoustic music, with a girl who can’t really sing, try and tell you how much she believes in peace, and in love then please check this out, I promise you I will give my everything to this.
Alright, here we go again.
I really have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t revise because I can’t focus, I feel like I already know the shit, I just know that I’m going to fail tomorrow hopelessly, despite the revision I have actually done. I don’t know whether or not to record to music, I feel so fucking helpless and selfish. I want to run away with my pirate crew and never come back. We’ll take to the woods with our cameras and instruments and make art like people have never seen. I am happy, I’m just not right. I get a feeling that there is an imbalance inside of my body.
Fuck it.
(Source: dreamsbyviri)
(Source: saraaaisabel)
